Graham Norton read the below out from me this morning. I sent it in response to a bloke on his Grill Grahamasking if he was allowed not to visit friends in the country who only had an outside toilet, after he had suffered a childhood trauma with an outside lay. Graham and Maria McErlane wondered how on earth anyone could be traumatised by an outside toilet. He is my story:

At the age of 7 my family went to Finland to see my mother’s many relations. All of them were living in summer houses built on granite, and all of them had toilets that were short drop to rock. The memories of the sights (and worse) still haunt me, and I was bunged up for weeks.
When we finally got to civilised Helsinki  and flush loos I went down the gents only to discover a mad Finnish woman was in charge of it. That was so traumatic that I locked myself in the loo and could not do anything, then discovered I could not unlock the door! and I could not ask for help because I could not speak a word of Finnish! I am having a flashback as I type, and it is not nice.